Everyone's A Little Bit Speciesist
by DigitalInfamy
Summary: In Zootopia, everyone's a little bit speciesist. (Crackfic)


**Everyone's A Little Bit Speciesist**

* * *

Judy bounded off the stage and back toward Nick. Her first press conference had gone quite well in her opinion, and she was relieved it was over.

Padding over to Nick, she gave off a quick sigh of relief before prattling off to Nick even before coming to a halt, all without pause. "That went so fast! I didn't get a chance to mention you, or say anything about how we –"

"Oh I think you've said _plenty_." The friendly demeanor was gone from Nick's voice. Judy's eyes widened in surprise and confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"Clearly there's a biological component? These predators may be… reverting back to their primitive, savage ways? Are you serious?"

Now Judy was feeling apprehensive. "I just stated the facts of the case!"

"Judy, I find that a little bit speciesist. I knew it. Just when I thought somebody actually believed in me, huh."

"Oh no, Nick! I'm sorry! I was just repeating what the doctor said!"

With Judy's last word, the rabble of reporters began turning their cameras in their direction. However, none of the reporters had tried to barge in on their conversation just yet, thankfully. Judy's gaze briefly flitted over the lot of them, before a pointed throat clear pulled her attention back to Nick, who didn't seem to have any trouble ignoring them.

"Judy, I'm surprised at you, I find that speciesist," Nick repeated, placing his paws on his hips. "For your information, not all predators are violent and savage. What are you trying to say, huh? That us predators are all the same to you prey?"

Judy was getting much more uncomfortable now; something she didn't think was possible. "Oh no, not at all! I'm sorry, I guess that was a little bit speciesist!"

"I should think so! You should be much more careful when you're talking about the sensitive subject of species!" Nick was in lecture mode now, and Judy was dammed if she would let a _fox_ of all things lecture her in front of the cameras.

Time to defuse the atmosphere. Turn the tables.

"What?! Well look who's talking. What about what you said to me just the other day? You were talking about how I could never become anything other than what I am – a dumb bunny."

"Yes, but that's because all bunnies are dumb." Nick had taken his paws off his hips and folded them defensively, a smug grin creeping onto his face.

"Hah! Now that's speciesist!" With that, Judy whipped out her expandable baton from a pouch on her utility belt, and with a quick flick of her wrist, extended it to full length. She gave a quick glare at Nick, before turning around and facing the cameras. Maybe, she could regain some dignity.

However, that would rely on how good her singing skills were.

Judy sang, _"You're a little bit speciesist!"_ Twirling around the baton, before allowing it to rest over her shoulder.

Nick stared back in confusion, before it dawned on him.

 _She's trying to get the upper paw, on camera. Damned if I let that happen._

As quickly as he could, he ran to the closest officer he could find, a wolf standing somewhat behind him, looking bored.

Snatching his baton off his belt, he flicked it open too whilst running back to stand beside Judy, twirling the baton in a similar manner as she did.

 _You want to play this game fluff? Well I can too._

Nick cleared his throat in preparation, before joining on in the singing. _"Well you're a little bit too!"_

This time, their gazes locked on one another, a silent agreement forming between them at that instant.

Twirling their batons, together they sang in unison. _"I guess we're both a bit speciesist! Admitting it is not an easy thing to do."_

NICK: _"But I guess it's true."_

JUDY: _"Between me and you, I think…"_

BOTH: _"Everyone's a little bit speciesist, sometimes…_

 _"Doesn't mean we go around committing… hate crimes!_

 _"Look around and you will find,_

 _"No one's really species blind!_

 _"Maybe it's a fact we all should face,_

 _"Everyone makes judgements…_

 _"Based on species!"_

Judy had now stopped singing temporarily at this point. "Now not big judgements, like who to hire, or who to buy a newspaper from – "

"No!" Nick had joined in too.

"No, just little judgements, like thinking that foxes should wipe that goddamn smug smiles off their faces!"

"Right! Wait, what…"

BOTH: _"Everybody's a little bit speciesist, today…_

 _"So, everybody's a little bit speciesist, okay!_

 _"Species jokes might be uncouth,_

 _"But you laugh because they're based on truth!_

 _"Don't take them as personal attacks,_

 _"Everybody enjoys them, so relax!_

"Okay, so tell me if you've heard this one," Nick said, waving his baton at the reporters. "There's a plane going down, and there's only one parachute. And there's a fox, a bunny, and…"

"A sloth!" Judy exclaimed.

"Hey...what...are...you...talking...about!" A clawed paw slowly raised from the crowd.

"Uh…" Judy felt embarrassed again.

"You...were...telling...a...sloth...joke..."

"Well, sure, but lots of mammals tell sloth jokes!"

"I...don't..."

"Well of course you don't. You're a sloth! But I bet you tell hare jokes, right!"

"Well...sure...I...do..." Slow laughter began to start. "Those...stupid...hares!"

"Now don't you think that's a little bit speciesist!"

"Well...damn...I...guess...you're...right..."

JUDY: _"Well you're a little bit speciesist!"_

NICK: _"Well you're a little bit too!"_

BOTH: _"We're all a little bit speciesist!"_

SLOTH: _"I...think...that...I...would...have...to...agree...with...you..."_

BOTH: _"We're glad you do!"_

Suddenly, a loud yell rang out from behind them. "HOPPS! OVER HERE NOW! AND BRING THAT FOX WITH YOU!"

Judy and Nick turned around, to see the fuming sight of Chief Bogo, standing some distance away. He was no longer anywhere near the podium, apparently having dodged the reporters by walking behind them.

Judy's ears wilted, and her nose twitched. "Oh no."

Meanwhile, Nick's smug smile returned to his face.

He had won.

* * *

 **A/N: I have no idea what got into me. Perhaps the writer's block is getting too serious.**

 **In case you've been living under a rock, refer to Avenue Q's Everyone's A Little Bit Racist.**


End file.
